Congratulations America!

And by "America" I mean of course White Christian Male America.

You won!  Congratulations.  You got a winner!  You love your winners.  You'll take a winner no matter how he wins (in this case that is not a neutral "he".  It is a masculine "he".).  As long as he wins, you're a fan.  You got your man.

It's important that he is a man.  Only men can be winners, really.  Even if a woman wins at sports, you don't care.  It's only a woman who wins at sports.  Not a winner.  A winner is a man.

And a winner is a white man.  Sure, you have your "heroes" in the sports world who are not white.  Michael Jordan, say.  Tiger Woods.  And that's fine when they win at sports.  Everyone knows that black men are good at sports.  The GAMES are owned by white men anyway.  They hire those good black men to be good so the white men can be winners.

So congratulations, you got an American winner.  He's white (well, orange).  He's rich.  He's macho.  He's loud.  He's arrogant.  He is the epitome of the European term, "ugly American".  I think the only thing that would make him more your American winner is if he spoke in a Southern accent.

Now your winner isn't a fair player.  He's not above cheating.  He's not above lying.  He'll tell you what you want to hear, no matter how fanciful it is.  He lies more than anybody.  He's cheated on his wives, his business partners, his banks, his sub-contractors - Hell, he probably even cheated when playing games with his children (if in fact he ever did that - he doesn't strike me as an attentive father).  That doesn't matter.  You know what matters?  He wins.  He's a winner.

*** Pardon me for a sec.  Yeah, dear, I'm writing...go make me a sandwich...

Sorry about that.  You know who're not winners?  Brown people.  They're not winners.  How could they be?  They live in parts of town we don't go to.  You know why we don't go there?  There are brown people there.  Brown people are dangerous.  They just want to take what's mine.  It's mine because I'm a winner. Brown people are losers.  We must keep them away from us winners.

You know who are winners?  Christians.  White Christians.  In white Christian churches led by white Christian men.  Only men.  Only white men.  Like Jesus.  He was a winner.  He was a white man who led his church.  Don't believe me?  Check out all those pictures of him painted by white men.  He's white.  I see it on my church wall every time I go in.

So we Christians like to back a winner.  And we got one.  Sure he's been married 3 times.  Sure he's committed adultery.  Sure he lies, cheats.  Sure he is a rich man - he may be big but he sure did fit through the eye of that needle with all his camels.  Why?  Because he's a winner.  Winners can sin - God loves winners even if they behave badly.  Heck, how could he be rich if God didn't love him?

God loves winners.

So we got ourselves a winner.  Now we can work to make sure we only have winners from now on.  We'll deport the brown people.  Then we'll surround all those "terrorists" with fences so they can't get out of their neighborhood.  Then we'll close the door behind us so "they" won't get in.  Not in our country.  Only winners here.

To be fair, winners need their lawns tended and their house cleaned.  We'll have to keep some brown people around for that.  That'll keep the brown people happy.  So we can go on being winners.  And we'll have our women to cook for us and raise our children.  Someone has to.  Winners have to be winning.  We don't have time for trivialities like kids.

Yeah, we got a winner.  Can't wait to go win out in the world.  We'll show them who's a winner.

Yup.  America won.  Thanks, America.